ouch times 2

shit. im a mess again.... where can i start this one...

ill be spending another fourth of july alone... why?

lets start by saying.. . JULIE- YOU WERE RIGHT... now that that is said and done... heres the ramblings.

isnt it funny how sometimes you care so much about one person... for what ever reason...and you can care about them infinite amounts in such a short period of time...and it scares you- but you're happy...

and things just dont work out?

they wake up feeling differently...randomly...
sure you cant be mad...you dont control how you feel- why should they.. you cant go forcing something thats just not right.

he said hes so sorry- that hes turned into his ex...and i dont believe that. its looking for an excuse to cover up for not really knowing ones self.

we'll add this to the list... another wasted heart ache..more wasted time.. because im too weak to let it roll off of my back....because i thought i was special...

every one uses the same lines...

"your a great person...."


how original...i wonder how they always come up with that one... i think hearing the reciprocate lines are more painful than the break up.... if im so great...why am i always the one left... why am i always alone... WHY DOES EVERY ONE WANT SOMETHING MORE?

"im doing this for you..."

i bet you are.... if it were for me wouldnt you care if i were happy??? hah no.

let me shut up there...


so am i bitter on this stormy night?? yes i am. extremely.


this is one of those nights that i wish i were someone else. infact- anybody else.

a long time ago i was a cold person... i did what i had to and i never worried about anybody else... i felt empty- then i changed... i began to care about every body... and it was working out for a while... i was happy...and now i feel the hurt that im always going to feel... i guess you can change the wrapper, but the candy's always the same.

sure ill equate it to just not being good enough. tell my friends that im upset for soem other reason...
ill recline into a life style of working out, reading books, and helping out around the town... ill disappear for a long time...and maybe then, in a few months, maybe a year... ill find someone who might actually love me...for me.

and love... if i ever hear the words "i love you" again, remind me to throw up all over that person. i didnt say it back because we all know how people drop those lines just to lie...and i thought that he might have meant them... nope. so yeah... ive totally lost faith in those words... 100% meaningless...

but sometimes i wonder what else could be wrong with me?

everyone always says to "never regret something that once made you smile" but its really hard because maybe i wasnt ready to give up that smile.... im never ready to give up that smile...
but somethings are forced... as i feel his feelings were..

hardest part- knowing hes a good guy. and maybe im not perfect. maybe i never will be... but knowing that i lost a truely good person for what ever reason sure hurts like hell.

i despise the fact that hes a good person. if he were an asshole... id vent on that... but instead this just hurts more than being let go...

sure we can be friends. im always friends with my exes...with the exception of one... but i dont see the point in being that akward friendship where one never calls and you never see each other.


so this weekend.. i took off because he made it a priority that i went to his family BBQ.... so now i have the whole weekend off... and the entire week of august 3td- im free also... so lets make plans and go out / go away... because theres no use in me sitting home miserable... i need to keep this body occupied. [[yes folks.. my secret to being so in shape is from being so sad.]]


in conclusion. i think i am mostly mad at myself.
i let myself feel too much and get too attatched for my own good.

maybe next time i wont try to be happy (fuck the heart)... ill try being logical..(follow the mind)

after all, its what everyone else does- isnt it?


and that my friends.... "is what makes falling in love so god damn hard"



im eating a pint of ben and jerrys...and i hope by tomorrow ill forget this all.. the past month was an accident... thats the phase im at...

kevins an awesome friend (shout out to those i love)

ltngkb: now i know how to suck up to my new boss
ltngkb: Ben and jerrys
Cara Garofalo: yeah im basically a fatty
Cara Garofalo: food <3 mmmm
ltngkb: well have to stock the firehouse with it


( i hate to leave off so sad.. but kevins makeing me feel a bit better...so dont worry... but know that i might not be around for a while... i love you all. im sorry <3)


i guess its true what they say- alls you need in life is mans best friend. a dog. I LOVE EVVY.