ouch- my mind running off track

so here i sit, quite heart broken yet again....
this time almost as bad as the last.
i trusted this one. shit.

when did love get so complicated?

if you have fun being with someone, and they make you happy, then who cares about anything else????
nothing else should matter!

when im happy, and i know im happy, and everyone else can see im happy... then why should i over analyze it? im happy. end of story... appartenyl im the only one who feels that way... which sucks... because i think im just going to die alone without my children. :(

so i was dating this boy joseph.
and i fell for him soo fast. too fast..
but i wasnt stupid about it this time. i didnt say 'i love you' even though i felt it...
i let him say it, but i didnt let it out becausse i didnt want to scare him away... i didnt want to be weak again.
so i spent every chance i could with him.
he is such a good person.
even if we did nothing i had fun just being with him..
we planned so many things to do together this summer... things that i looked forward to just spending time with him...
who cares if we were in florida, or if he just spent a week at home with me... point is, i was crazy about this kid...

thursday, the 14th was our one month dating anniversary thing. we spent a beautiful night together...the card he gave me was gorgeous. well not the card, the stuff he wrote inside of it lol. and now im here wondering if any of it is//was true...

we had this great evening out together, then he never called me... his girlfriend...he never called...sooo began that horrible feeling in my stomach...

so he hasnt talked to me i na while..like 5 days.. and i thought it was something i did.he says nope.
he broke up with me.
said he doesnt know what he wants.

i need to apprecaite his space. i need to let him be.

its so hard. i feel lied to almost..

but i care too much and im too involved to let soemthing this good walk out of my life.... so what do i do?

i didnt want anything this serious... i jsut wanted a best friend that i could cuddle with... and i got a full fledged relationship- which i didnt mind, because he makes me happy. for the first time, in a long time.

so now hes gone. he says there is no one else, that its just him...
what am i supposed to do?

he doesnt call...we just text. hes amazing, and going through bad times, and i want to be there for him, the best way i can... and i want him to see that he doesnt need to be afraid. at all.

that this doesnt needt o be serious..alls i wanted was a best friend.. i jsut wanted someone.. and he just so happened to be perfect. until now.

a few weeks ago i was scared...and i let it go, and it turned out i was happier than ever... he doesnt want to give this a chance....

he said hed call me tonight... i hope he does... i need clarity.

so how can i not lose him?? thaat seems to be whats clouding my mind these days.

why am i writing here? no ones home to phone.


and once again here i sit tears in my eyes. that queasy feeling in my stomach. make up running down my face...

and some how im more worried about him that i am about myself.

sure i hurt.

but im hoping to god that everythings okay with him...and that maybe hell see i care.

when do i get to be happy?!?!?!?!