hmm

so ive actually been writing in this lately. odd right?



ltngkb: cara you beatuiful and smart and you derseve a great guy just dont settle for less than u deserve



joe and i..over. i dont know if i should call him to make sure hes doing okay or not.

todays alexs birthday. should i send her a card now that she basically hates me?

went out with kevin and julie last night.. we hung out with sean steve shane and their buddy brian. good times.

they kept bringing up patrick though. yeah i miss him. but i think im a better person than he is..so i think that ill go further in life.. its mean to say things like that.. but i feel like im much more driven at times than he is ever.

i love pat.

but its time that i love something better.

i loved joe. but i dont think that i was in love with joe.

sure i could see myself being in love with joe.. but it never got that far.

i hope all is well
with him.

ive left him a few messages. ive called him too. he doesnt respond... and it kind of sucks.
i took off this weekend to be with him. and here i sit totally alone. ouch. im not bitter though.
strange. its like all of the plans i have made were wasted breath and day dreams.

im wondering if knowing him at all was worth it.

sure hes a great person..not the kind that youd ever want to leave... but he tends to think that everyone expects soo much from him. i felt like he was trying to live up to someones expectations... i didnt have any for him... i just wanted to be happy.
i never wanted him to promise me the world. i nevver wanted him to promise to never hurt me. i never wanted anything. maybe i just wanted him as a best friend, someone to be there for me.
i just wanted him to love me for me.
i just want to be loved.

i miss feeling so safe, so secure, so happy. but at the same time- i want everything to be special... i dont want to settle. i dont want to be wiht someone just to be with someone. i want to be happy. like always. i want those butterflies.

so here i sit alone at home on a weekend that was supposed to be spent with this boy that meant alot to me.. a weekend where i was supposed to meet his family, the most important people to him... but hes probably out some where...maybe hes happy now though...

i have a box full of "cara and joe memmories"..what do i do with that?
movie tickets. the map he drew me of his yard on our first date. reciepts from restaraunts. a card that tells me how perfect him and i are together.... 2 books that he wrote cute little notes in...endless memmories in my head... a few text messages that start with "hey beautiful" and end with "im the luckiest guy in the world xoxoxox".... prizes from dave and busters--- a good time in general had by all... the first time we realized that we were bascially the same person... "QUICK CARA SWIPE OUR CARD"...

what am i supposed to do with these things?

do i burn them and assume it was a mistake. revert to anger and anguish, then just forget i was stupid again?

do i hold on to them and the hopes that god will work things out in good time. that perhaps joseph and i will reconcile.

right now the future of this situation seems very dull.

he refuses to let things go. he cant let go of the hurt of his past. and he always thinks im lieing about everything.
we had an issue in the begining..because i half ass explain things to him, and he felt i was lieing..oh and he also doesnt believe me about maxim.. (http://www.maximonline.com/girlsof_maxim/photo_blog0/) but i have the magazine framed.. so uhmm?..anywho he thought i was a liar,we got into a arguement, and he always refers to it and recalls it and says "its only been a month, its too soon to be having these problems"...

if thats what is going to crucify me, something that stupid, than maybe he wasnt right for me at all. no matter what match.com said.

the way i see it... the problems been over, and we were happy with each other after wards.... so why think about it until theres nothing left?

he thinks tooo much. his ex just woke up one morning and didnt feel for him...so thats what he did to me..and thats just fine...
but i wish he wouldve just said that straight up. "cara i lost that feeling..im sorry" and then id be hurt, but content i had closure. he tells me he wants to make it work, he wants to start over... but if hed just tell me how he really honestly felt..i wouldnt string myself along for a big fat nothing.

in my own mind i see relationships differently...i just want to be happy... and if im not happy, and i cant fix it... then ill break it off. no thinking into the past. no stinging along. simple and straight up is the way to do things.

this joe thing bothers me...because i was happy. and it hurts to know i tried my best to be good for him...and i failed.

what other boyfriends did i bake for, and support -fully. and actually want to see everyday. i wanted to meet his family, and be an active part of his life...

i didnt change a damn thing about myself for him. i just did all of those cute things ive always wanted to. and he seemed to like them too. sure i didnt tell him about some of the bad things i used to do. but i told him how i wanted to do things in my life - and he held them against me. sure i want more tattoos... but i doubt ill do them because of the career i hope to obtain.. but he didnt care about that last part... he just told me how he doesnt like tattoos.

in the end. we were two different people. which could have worked out wonderfully...

but i wanted love.
he wanted a logical explaination of everything. he almost didnt have a heart. he replaced it with his brain.
so opposites usually attract... but for him, it was just another excuse to hit the ground running.

so what did i learn?

i was better off not getting attatched, and not feeling anything at all.. apparently meaningless relationships are the productive ones...

and that

sometimes.... no matter how hard you try to be a better person....or how good to someone you are.... you can still fail miserably...