Thursday, December 25, 2008

omg its been forever

whoa. its been more than a year.
so im not going to update you on the past, since its a disaster, and thus we move forward.
today was christmas, and it was glorious in deed. my evvy got a bunch of gifts, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.
so whats bothering me lately? nothing.
ive given up on letting stupid things bother me. im a laid back person, and why should i care if other people chose to make fools of themselves. if you want to lie- go ahead, lie. if you want attention, go reap it in... for me though, it doesnt get me far. so ive given up on fighting with those people, and ive decided that theyll end up alone, life rolls on.
its late, and im home from work..

ill update this more later, hopefully with better photos too...

Saturday, June 30, 2007

im over it

and hopefully that is the last post about that.

i dont wanna sound psycho! haha

hmm

so ive actually been writing in this lately. odd right?



ltngkb: cara you beatuiful and smart and you derseve a great guy just dont settle for less than u deserve



joe and i..over. i dont know if i should call him to make sure hes doing okay or not.

todays alexs birthday. should i send her a card now that she basically hates me?

went out with kevin and julie last night.. we hung out with sean steve shane and their buddy brian. good times.

they kept bringing up patrick though. yeah i miss him. but i think im a better person than he is..so i think that ill go further in life.. its mean to say things like that.. but i feel like im much more driven at times than he is ever.

i love pat.

but its time that i love something better.

i loved joe. but i dont think that i was in love with joe.

sure i could see myself being in love with joe.. but it never got that far.

i hope all is well
with him.

ive left him a few messages. ive called him too. he doesnt respond... and it kind of sucks.
i took off this weekend to be with him. and here i sit totally alone. ouch. im not bitter though.
strange. its like all of the plans i have made were wasted breath and day dreams.

im wondering if knowing him at all was worth it.

sure hes a great person..not the kind that youd ever want to leave... but he tends to think that everyone expects soo much from him. i felt like he was trying to live up to someones expectations... i didnt have any for him... i just wanted to be happy.
i never wanted him to promise me the world. i nevver wanted him to promise to never hurt me. i never wanted anything. maybe i just wanted him as a best friend, someone to be there for me.
i just wanted him to love me for me.
i just want to be loved.

i miss feeling so safe, so secure, so happy. but at the same time- i want everything to be special... i dont want to settle. i dont want to be wiht someone just to be with someone. i want to be happy. like always. i want those butterflies.

so here i sit alone at home on a weekend that was supposed to be spent with this boy that meant alot to me.. a weekend where i was supposed to meet his family, the most important people to him... but hes probably out some where...maybe hes happy now though...

i have a box full of "cara and joe memmories"..what do i do with that?
movie tickets. the map he drew me of his yard on our first date. reciepts from restaraunts. a card that tells me how perfect him and i are together.... 2 books that he wrote cute little notes in...endless memmories in my head... a few text messages that start with "hey beautiful" and end with "im the luckiest guy in the world xoxoxox".... prizes from dave and busters--- a good time in general had by all... the first time we realized that we were bascially the same person... "QUICK CARA SWIPE OUR CARD"...

what am i supposed to do with these things?

do i burn them and assume it was a mistake. revert to anger and anguish, then just forget i was stupid again?

do i hold on to them and the hopes that god will work things out in good time. that perhaps joseph and i will reconcile.

right now the future of this situation seems very dull.

he refuses to let things go. he cant let go of the hurt of his past. and he always thinks im lieing about everything.
we had an issue in the begining..because i half ass explain things to him, and he felt i was lieing..oh and he also doesnt believe me about maxim.. (http://www.maximonline.com/girlsof_maxim/photo_blog0/) but i have the magazine framed.. so uhmm?..anywho he thought i was a liar,we got into a arguement, and he always refers to it and recalls it and says "its only been a month, its too soon to be having these problems"...

if thats what is going to crucify me, something that stupid, than maybe he wasnt right for me at all. no matter what match.com said.

the way i see it... the problems been over, and we were happy with each other after wards.... so why think about it until theres nothing left?

he thinks tooo much. his ex just woke up one morning and didnt feel for him...so thats what he did to me..and thats just fine...
but i wish he wouldve just said that straight up. "cara i lost that feeling..im sorry" and then id be hurt, but content i had closure. he tells me he wants to make it work, he wants to start over... but if hed just tell me how he really honestly felt..i wouldnt string myself along for a big fat nothing.

in my own mind i see relationships differently...i just want to be happy... and if im not happy, and i cant fix it... then ill break it off. no thinking into the past. no stinging along. simple and straight up is the way to do things.

this joe thing bothers me...because i was happy. and it hurts to know i tried my best to be good for him...and i failed.

what other boyfriends did i bake for, and support -fully. and actually want to see everyday. i wanted to meet his family, and be an active part of his life...

i didnt change a damn thing about myself for him. i just did all of those cute things ive always wanted to. and he seemed to like them too. sure i didnt tell him about some of the bad things i used to do. but i told him how i wanted to do things in my life - and he held them against me. sure i want more tattoos... but i doubt ill do them because of the career i hope to obtain.. but he didnt care about that last part... he just told me how he doesnt like tattoos.

in the end. we were two different people. which could have worked out wonderfully...

but i wanted love.
he wanted a logical explaination of everything. he almost didnt have a heart. he replaced it with his brain.
so opposites usually attract... but for him, it was just another excuse to hit the ground running.

so what did i learn?

i was better off not getting attatched, and not feeling anything at all.. apparently meaningless relationships are the productive ones...

and that

sometimes.... no matter how hard you try to be a better person....or how good to someone you are.... you can still fail miserably...

Thursday, June 28, 2007




btw..ryans graduation

good song... how i feel maybe?

NEW FOUND GLORY LYRICS

"My Friends Over You"

I’m drunk off your kiss
For another night in a row
This is becoming too routine for me
But I did not mean to lead you on
And it’s all right to pretend
That we still talk
It’s just for show, isn’t it
It’s my fault that it fell apart

Just maybe
You need this
And I didn’t mean to
Lead you on

You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I've started
There’s no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true
I still pick my friends over you
(My friends over you)

Please tell me everything,
That you think that I should know
About all the plans you made
When I was nowhere to be found
And it’s all right to forget
That we still talk
Its just for fun, isn’t it
It’s my fault that it fell apart

Cuz maybe you need this
And I didn’t mean to
Lead you on

You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I've started
There’s no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true
I still pick my friends over you
(My friends over you)

Just maybe you need this
You need this…
And I didn’t mean to
Lead you on

You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I've started
There’s no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true
I still pick my friends over you

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

ouch times 2

shit. im a mess again.... where can i start this one...

ill be spending another fourth of july alone... why?

lets start by saying.. . JULIE- YOU WERE RIGHT... now that that is said and done... heres the ramblings.

isnt it funny how sometimes you care so much about one person... for what ever reason...and you can care about them infinite amounts in such a short period of time...and it scares you- but you're happy...

and things just dont work out?

they wake up feeling differently...randomly...
sure you cant be mad...you dont control how you feel- why should they.. you cant go forcing something thats just not right.

he said hes so sorry- that hes turned into his ex...and i dont believe that. its looking for an excuse to cover up for not really knowing ones self.

we'll add this to the list... another wasted heart ache..more wasted time.. because im too weak to let it roll off of my back....because i thought i was special...

every one uses the same lines...

"your a great person...."


how original...i wonder how they always come up with that one... i think hearing the reciprocate lines are more painful than the break up.... if im so great...why am i always the one left... why am i always alone... WHY DOES EVERY ONE WANT SOMETHING MORE?

"im doing this for you..."

i bet you are.... if it were for me wouldnt you care if i were happy??? hah no.

let me shut up there...


so am i bitter on this stormy night?? yes i am. extremely.


this is one of those nights that i wish i were someone else. infact- anybody else.

a long time ago i was a cold person... i did what i had to and i never worried about anybody else... i felt empty- then i changed... i began to care about every body... and it was working out for a while... i was happy...and now i feel the hurt that im always going to feel... i guess you can change the wrapper, but the candy's always the same.

sure ill equate it to just not being good enough. tell my friends that im upset for soem other reason...
ill recline into a life style of working out, reading books, and helping out around the town... ill disappear for a long time...and maybe then, in a few months, maybe a year... ill find someone who might actually love me...for me.

and love... if i ever hear the words "i love you" again, remind me to throw up all over that person. i didnt say it back because we all know how people drop those lines just to lie...and i thought that he might have meant them... nope. so yeah... ive totally lost faith in those words... 100% meaningless...

but sometimes i wonder what else could be wrong with me?

everyone always says to "never regret something that once made you smile" but its really hard because maybe i wasnt ready to give up that smile.... im never ready to give up that smile...
but somethings are forced... as i feel his feelings were..

hardest part- knowing hes a good guy. and maybe im not perfect. maybe i never will be... but knowing that i lost a truely good person for what ever reason sure hurts like hell.

i despise the fact that hes a good person. if he were an asshole... id vent on that... but instead this just hurts more than being let go...

sure we can be friends. im always friends with my exes...with the exception of one... but i dont see the point in being that akward friendship where one never calls and you never see each other.


so this weekend.. i took off because he made it a priority that i went to his family BBQ.... so now i have the whole weekend off... and the entire week of august 3td- im free also... so lets make plans and go out / go away... because theres no use in me sitting home miserable... i need to keep this body occupied. [[yes folks.. my secret to being so in shape is from being so sad.]]


in conclusion. i think i am mostly mad at myself.
i let myself feel too much and get too attatched for my own good.

maybe next time i wont try to be happy (fuck the heart)... ill try being logical..(follow the mind)

after all, its what everyone else does- isnt it?


and that my friends.... "is what makes falling in love so god damn hard"



im eating a pint of ben and jerrys...and i hope by tomorrow ill forget this all.. the past month was an accident... thats the phase im at...

kevins an awesome friend (shout out to those i love)

ltngkb: now i know how to suck up to my new boss
ltngkb: Ben and jerrys
Cara Garofalo: yeah im basically a fatty
Cara Garofalo: food <3 mmmm
ltngkb: well have to stock the firehouse with it


( i hate to leave off so sad.. but kevins makeing me feel a bit better...so dont worry... but know that i might not be around for a while... i love you all. im sorry <3)


i guess its true what they say- alls you need in life is mans best friend. a dog. I LOVE EVVY.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

ouch- my mind running off track

so here i sit, quite heart broken yet again....
this time almost as bad as the last.
i trusted this one. shit.

when did love get so complicated?

if you have fun being with someone, and they make you happy, then who cares about anything else????
nothing else should matter!

when im happy, and i know im happy, and everyone else can see im happy... then why should i over analyze it? im happy. end of story... appartenyl im the only one who feels that way... which sucks... because i think im just going to die alone without my children. :(

so i was dating this boy joseph.
and i fell for him soo fast. too fast..
but i wasnt stupid about it this time. i didnt say 'i love you' even though i felt it...
i let him say it, but i didnt let it out becausse i didnt want to scare him away... i didnt want to be weak again.
so i spent every chance i could with him.
he is such a good person.
even if we did nothing i had fun just being with him..
we planned so many things to do together this summer... things that i looked forward to just spending time with him...
who cares if we were in florida, or if he just spent a week at home with me... point is, i was crazy about this kid...

thursday, the 14th was our one month dating anniversary thing. we spent a beautiful night together...the card he gave me was gorgeous. well not the card, the stuff he wrote inside of it lol. and now im here wondering if any of it is//was true...

we had this great evening out together, then he never called me... his girlfriend...he never called...sooo began that horrible feeling in my stomach...

so he hasnt talked to me i na while..like 5 days.. and i thought it was something i did.he says nope.
he broke up with me.
said he doesnt know what he wants.

i need to apprecaite his space. i need to let him be.

its so hard. i feel lied to almost..

but i care too much and im too involved to let soemthing this good walk out of my life.... so what do i do?

i didnt want anything this serious... i jsut wanted a best friend that i could cuddle with... and i got a full fledged relationship- which i didnt mind, because he makes me happy. for the first time, in a long time.

so now hes gone. he says there is no one else, that its just him...
what am i supposed to do?

he doesnt call...we just text. hes amazing, and going through bad times, and i want to be there for him, the best way i can... and i want him to see that he doesnt need to be afraid. at all.

that this doesnt needt o be serious..alls i wanted was a best friend.. i jsut wanted someone.. and he just so happened to be perfect. until now.

a few weeks ago i was scared...and i let it go, and it turned out i was happier than ever... he doesnt want to give this a chance....

he said hed call me tonight... i hope he does... i need clarity.

so how can i not lose him?? thaat seems to be whats clouding my mind these days.

why am i writing here? no ones home to phone.


and once again here i sit tears in my eyes. that queasy feeling in my stomach. make up running down my face...

and some how im more worried about him that i am about myself.

sure i hurt.

but im hoping to god that everythings okay with him...and that maybe hell see i care.

when do i get to be happy?!?!?!?!